Honest Motherhood: The List

I’m sat on the floor in my son’s bedroom. One arm is wrapped awkwardly around him in his bed. The other is typing these words into a barely lit phone. (He often demands to be cuddled to sleep, which means maintaining clumsy uncomfortable positions for any length of time, with the promise of a sleeping toddler by the end of it. And usually a stiff neck.) 
It is during these moments, after a long day, in the quiet stillness of a darkened room, that I think of The List.  My mind darts like a helter-skelter through The List, getting lost in minor details. This is torture, as aside from anything online, in my current position I’m physically incapable of taking much action and making a dent in The List.

What list you say? The List. The one that rules my life, shapes my days and torments me late at night. The only list I can never quite reach the end of. Every woman has a list. Every woman knows exactly what I’m referring to. Every list will be some variation of the following: 

1.) Be more present with the children. – This never leaves the list. 
2.) Return school gingham dresses. – She didn’t like the bow at the front. 
3.) Sort website. -This one has 100 other parts to it. 
4.) Apply for that course. 
5.) Crocs/shorts/t-shirts for Leo. – The poor boy’s been in trousers, socks and shoes in 30 degree heat. 
6.) Maia’s new trainers. – My other poor child has blisters from her current too-small trainers. 
7.) Replace downstairs tap. – Leaky for months. 
8.) Call VELUX blinds person. – Broken for months, the top bedroom is like sleeping next to the sun. 
9.) More disclosure tablets for Maia.
10.) Izzy’s baby shower present. – First baby and I’ve known her since nursery. 
11.) Call electrician. – Socket problems. 
12.) Spend more one to one time with Maia. – Also never leaves the list. 
13.) Read ten pages of book tonight. – I maintain the best intentions with reading but muddle through about one page a night before dosing off. 
14.) Gratitude journal. – Does thinking about what you’re grateful for whilst brushing your teeth count? 
15.) Book tickets to art fair. – Missed it last year. 
16.) More fruit and veg. – My children are 80% ice-lolly at the moment. Because I’m fearful of them evaporating in the heat and always leaning towards the path of least resistance, I tend to just nod whenever one of them asks for an ice-lolly.
17.) Film TikTok dance with Maia. – Leo now also knows half the words to Lizzo’s About Damn Time. I keep telling friends as if it’s something to be proud of.
18.) Clear out the car. – Just rather embarrassing really. I can’t seem to stay on top of the jumble sale happening in our car. 
19.) Get photos developed. – Admittedly I verge on obsessive with this. Thousands of photos and I choose to wade through all of them one by one to find those golden moments. 
20.) Take Leo to the barbers. – To fix what I started…

And it goes on. I suppose it’s life in a list. Baby showers, gingham dresses and bad haircuts. Unopened gratitude journals and leaky taps. 

Leo’s breathing becomes recognisably sleep-like and I delicately remove my hand from his side. I kiss his cheek and pull the duvet over his legs. I think of him and Maia. And how lucky I am, to have a list.