Oh what a week.
I think I say this every week. But this week was different. This week I made a conscious decision to slow the f*** down.
I’m a goals person. I have goals for lots of things. Number of books and plays to read in a week, number of gym sessions/KM run, number of blog posts I intend to publish, number of minutes spent “truly present” with Maia…The list goes on. It all got a bit ridiculous.
I was using not hitting my exact targets as a rod to beat myself with.
“What do you mean you barely saw your daughter today? WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!” “How long has it been since you posted on the blog?”
“How many weeks have you been reading that play for?”
“Have you meditated at all this week?”
“You’ve missed out days on your gratitude journal..”
Gees. I’m hard work. I mean, just thinking of all these things, some of them, ironically, self-care-type-things..is exhausting.
Sometimes, I forget I am not a robot.
Sometimes, I get teary and emotional at night and I wonder why.
Sometimes I beat myself up for not feeling happy and grateful for all that I have.
It turns out, sometimes doing nothing (or at least trying to..) is exactly what needs to happen.
So this week, I f***** my goals list. In every area. I said this week, it’s just about Maia and me. No goals. No distractions. No striving. No “Baby can you give me a few minutes I just need to finish this!!”. Just Maia and the garden, the paddling pool, music, friends and family over. Just us, being us.
It took a few days to get used to. I did spend some time trying to “plan out my career”, I do that when I feel unsettled within myself. When I feel like I’m not doing enough.
But then yesterday my cousin and her son came over. It was her Birthday. We ate lots and laughed lots and she reminded me that life really isn’t about achievements, it’s about people. Love. The people you laugh with and the people who remind you who you are, beneath all those achievements.
I spent some time the other night looking through some of Maia’s baby photos/videos. It was almost surreal. Mum and I stood in the kitchen, getting emotional over a video of Maia at around two years old. I cried (BRIEFLY) because I will never get that time back. She will never be that age again. Her little voice, her laugh, the way she says “Mummy”, it’s all changing. And part of me feels like I’ve missed bits of it. I’ve been so caught up worrying about “what I’m going to do next” and all the rest of it. I’ve become exhausted doing other things. I’ve struggled to be present at times.
The last few days, I’ve taken a slower pace, and I’ve had more moments of presence with Maia. Like the old days. Like when she was little. I’ve felt more like myself than I have in a really long time. Calmer, more grounded, more ME.
I’m not exactly sure what the message is here. I wrote this for me, as a reminder that it’s achievable, this being present thing. That’s it’s not something only enlightened beings can experience.
Sometimes I love being a Mum, other times I hate knowing my every mood, my every action, every word, is being witnessed and absorbed by a little person. It’s huge. It’s a mammoth responsibility. I feel it, because I want her to get the best of me. The very best.
So here’s to the power of doing very little, but being a whole lot.
Here’s to taking time to just be.
Here’s to the gift of time.