Taking the Summer off from Worrying
Giving far too many fucks
Thinking about thinking
Paradoxes. Let go, to take control.
Stay grounded and Fly.
Accepting that life is a beautiful shit sandwich
Embracing your Perfectly Imperfect Self
Taking the Summer off from Worrying
“Publish something, ANYTHING on the blog” was number six on my to-do list today. It’s been on the list for days but sadly, even if it’s on the list, there’s no guarantee it’ll actually get done. Numbers one – three are generally a priority, anything below five has a mere faint hope. I could write a monologue on my relationship with to-do lists. They are such a paradox. A relief to write, stressful to look at, a necessary process, yet still a headache when bedtime calls and you haven’t quite made it to the end. Shortening one’s list seems like the obvious approach, making it more achievable, but I suppose you could apply that to everything. Make your life easier. Simplify, prioritise and feel good that you’ve got it all done, knowing in the back of your mind; IT’S NEVER ALL DONE.
So with that in mind, the never-ending-to-do-list that is, I made a very conscious decision.
I would take the Summer OFF. The whole Summer. Off from what exactly? ((Given I don’t currently have an actual-paid-job-job. It has only taken five years for me to acknowledge that being a parent IS an actual-UNPAID-full-time-ALL-THE-TIME-job-job).
No, I am not abandoning my parental duties and running away to Summer Camp, that was last year. This year, I am taking the Summer off, from worrying.
Giving far too many fucks
I give far too many fucks. That is a punchier way of saying; I worry too much.
On a day to day basis, it is exhausting to even consider how many fucks I give unnecessarily.
I give fucks what people think.
I give fucks what people say.
I give fucks about the judgments of people I barely even know.
I give fucks about situations in my life that have not arisen yet.
I give fucks about decisions that do not actually have to be made in the present. Generally, on the whole, I would have to say I’ve given a lot of fucks where fucks did not have to be given. It is no wonder I am so tired.
Thinking about thinking
It all feels very self-absorbed and self-indulgent, all this thinking about thinking, and yet I still see it as a necessary and healthy level of self-awareness. I know what I worry about, I know when I am overthinking, and slowly, I am becoming very good at knowing how to stop. Practice makes…not even close to perfect but definitely progress.
I’ve become pretty decent at observing my thoughts, and just letting them be, without reacting. The ones that make me feel anything negative, I take a look at and ask why. I like to get to the root before they fester and keep me up at night. I can go from highly anxious/frustrated, to absolutely fine in a matter of minutes. Sometimes.
***NOT ALL THE TIME, sometimes I’m just too tired and I let the negativity flow through me and my body like an emotionally polluted river. (To be theatrical; a river of… pain and deeply felt suffering.) I’ll cry for a minute or two. Then I’ll laugh because whatever I was crying about wasn’t actually happening in the present. I shed tears based on a series of thoughts. I think I do that a lot. Think and cry. Tiredness, I mostly put it down to tiredness, and the concrete and research-proven fact that crying releases stress hormones. It’s literally good for you to cry.
Paradoxes. Let go, to take control.
Stay grounded and Fly.
I am working on not letting those stress hormones build up in the first place. Hence taking the Summer off. It is a new approach. It involves feeling-good-enough-as-I-am, not attaching my sense of self to how much I get done during the day, or even looking back, over the years. Ironically, I actually end up getting more done anyway, because my head is that much clearer. I’m not used to feeling so free.
The word surrender has come up a lot in my self-help literature, and only recently have I learnt the true meaning of the word. -Relinquishing control, taking your hands off the wheel and just saying:
“I think I’m good, I think I’m doing all I can, I think there’s more to life than doing all the things. Besides, life is short but it’s also long, there is plenty of time to do all the things. You’ll fit them in.
Have some faith.
Trust yourself.
Pay attention to your today.
You can do what needs to be done and keep your inner peace at the same time.
You can create with a sense of calm. You can stay grounded and fly. ”
Accepting that life is a beautiful shit sandwich
As well as the word surrender, the word acceptance has come up a lot too. I am slowly accepting things that would have formerly caused me unnecessary levels of pain and frustration. Acceptance doesn’t have to be some passive word. It’s actually a very powerful word. Acceptance can work miracles. Acceptance changes lives.
Embracing your Perfectly Imperfect Self
Acceptance can transform relationships, most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself. The moment I decided to accept myself, exactly as I am, a kind, loving, intelligent, overthinking and tired human, was the moment I realised I could stop trying so hard..to be perfect. I felt, all of a sudden, care-free, worry-free and immediately energised. I remembered that NO ONE IS PERFECT. Robots are designed, human beings are miracles. (Okay some of us are miracles, others are unnecessary evils, an embarrassment to mankind, a danger to the human race…).
I have to make this decision, to accept myself, as I am, every single day, for self-acceptance is a big one and doesn’t happen over-night, there are several layers to it, but it’s well worth the excavation. It’s a very necessary, daily practice.
Well I will let you know how it goes, shall keep you posted on my Summer of presence, of acceptance and well, LOVE.
Lots and lots of love, from many people and things.
But mainly myself.
It’s the best kind of love. 
The Colourful Kind 