Confessions of a Single Mother: Find Your Balls Woman!

I just sort of lay there and took it. The massage I mean. She just kept going and every time I thought “maybe I should say something, maybe this is getting too painful”, she’d crunch some muscle, break some knot and I’d think “nah, it’s all worth it, my body needs this, these knots must be broken…Ah but her pointy elbows and man hands hurt so bad! Gees she can really apply some pressure. She might as well just sit on me… No come on don’t be a pu***!!”

The only way to get through the pain was with some positive self talk, an internal monologue that went something like this:

“TAKE IT LIKE A MAN, HELL, TAKE IT LIKE A WOMAN, LET HER DESTROY THOSE EVIL KNOTS ONCE AND FOR ALL…EVERY CRUNCH IS WORTH THE PAIN, FIND YOUR BALLS WOMAN”. So I did just that, found my metaphorical balls and took it like a woman. Was I worried she might break my back with every agonising crunch as she plunged her bony elbows deeper and deeper into my network of knots? Yes. I soon got past this concern with my next thought, “oh but imagine how liberating this must be for my poor  muscles..”. They were finally free, all tension released. I thought to myself, “Now bloody well stay that way, because I can’t keep coming back here; I want to cry and I can’t afford it”.  – Though she did have a fabulously effective – be it brutal-  technique, and a warm calming tone of voice as she said “I feel like I’m beating you up!” *I laugh* “Yep, just keep going…!” *Squirms inside*.

A day later and I feel amazing…(Nope, that’s a complete lie, I feel like I’ve been hit by a car – not a four by four, perhaps a Smart Car or Ford Fiesta).  I’m told it’ll take a few days and then I’ll feel all free and loose. (For lack of a better word..)

So how exactly am I going to ensure I don’t have to keep enduring this mild form of torture? It’s not realistic and I’d need a morphine drip to go through that again. I’ve heard yoga, pilates and regular exercise are supposed to help prevent the accumulation of muscle knots. Oh, and stress doesn’t help so I may have to take up meditation or something similar, and hire a nanny/small team to aid with the day to day care of my toddler. I just don’t get it, I’m not a tense person, I don’t walk around with my shoulders to my ears, why the knots?

One time the lovely yet vicious lady asked -as she tried to navigate the minefield of knots, a little taken aback by the extent of the damage: “so what do you do for work? are you under a lot of stress?..”

“Er..I have a two year old, so nope, no stress!…”
  This photo is rather irrelevant but represents the love I have for my body to put it through such pain, but also how I felt like I was being pummelled with small rocks similar to this one. *It’s really just to fill the space because I didn’t have any photos of me taken during the massage..


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